People order some really, really stupid drinks at cafes.
We’ve all been guilty of it and we’ve all been witness to it. The abundance of hipster cafes across Sydney alone is enough encouragement for anyone to branch further and further away from a normal coffee.
In a quest to define ourselves through meaningless and trivial data about our personal lives, websites often fluff on about your coffee choice like it’s your horoscope. “Find out what your vanilla latte says about your super cute personality and your go-getter attitude.” Chances are, you’re as vanilla as the latte you sip.
Opinions or preferences can’t technically be wrong; so I’ve created a guide for the real coffee goer. If you follow these definitions carefully, you will feel sufficiently superior and justified in judging your fellow coffee peers.
This is what your “coffee personality” actually resembles:
Double shot skim decaf cappuccino with sweeteners
1/4 strength large flat white with 6 sugars This is a warm milkshake. You are a child masking as an adult. Or an adult who can’t let go of their childhood. Either go to a milk bar or move forward with your life.
Cookies and cream frappuccino with whipped cream and skim milk You’re an extremely generous negotiator; a skill you should apply in all aspects of your life. You could even convince Kyle Sandilands that he should cease his never-ending career in broadcast radio. Go forth and prosper.
English breakfast tea
Black coffee You enjoy your coffee bitter and black, just like your heart.
Herbal tea You think you’re better than us because you get adequate amounts of sleep and have the natural energy to function and be a productive human being? Jog on, Gwyneth Paltrow.
Quadruple shot macchiatos
Cappuccino with extra chocolate on top and three sugars Pay the 40c for a mocha, tight ass.
You don’t drink coffee or tea Okay, next you’ll tell us you don’t like Harry Potter or rainbows. Please.
This post was first published on BULLSH!T Blog and is republished here with full permission.
Cyndall McInerney is a student and freelance copywriter from Sydney. She swears she has only ordered about 3/4 of the drinks in this article and it was for totally legitimate and private reasons that she doesn’t feel the need to justify to anyone. Take a look at some of her other articles here.
Top Comments
A young family member who is working in hospitality swears the barista he works with swears in seven different languages when one particular "customer from hell" walks through the door. This princess wants half soy/half whole milk chai latte in the bottom half of her glass. Then, floated on top, she wants some other ridiculous mix poured over the back of a spoon so it doesn't "mix".
To top it off, she brings her own thermometer so she can check that the whole pretentious concoction is served at the correct temperature. Quite often, she tests, tastes, then leaves without paying.......
I'd start charging before she received her coffee in that case!
I'd be swearing in at least 7 languages if she did that to me! So rude!
Sounds like the sort of customer they'd be better off without. I'd make up a sachet of International Roast right in front of her, and present her with that instead.
Much more subtle than sayin, "F**k off, and never darken our doorstep again, you pretentious cow!"
I always get english breakfast tea...not cos i'm all super fancy but purely because I don't like/drink coffee. Earl grey or english breakfast is fine, no milk (don't like dairy stuff) and 2-3 sugars.