By SAMANTHA YOUNG
Six months ago, I was sitting with a friend outside on a balmy summer night and a mosquito bit me under the arm. I went to scratch the bite and felt a lump on the side of my breast.
My doctor sent me for a mammogram, ultrasound and fine needle biopsy. The results were initially inconclusive. I found this out waiting in the queue to see Father Christmas at a large shopping centre with my seven year old. I could feel the fake Playschool Mummy smile stretching my face beyond reasonable limits as I rescheduled another ultrasound and biopsy. For that one, they had a Pathologist on stand-by. I had breast cancer.
I am a 44-year-old single mother of two beautiful girls. I am also director of a psychology practice and self-employed. The day I was diagnosed was the day I lost the carefully constructed control I thought I had mastered over my life. Previously I has successfully juggled many balls in the air every day. And suddenly they all came falling down in a spectacular heap.
I strongly believe in salvaging good from bad but I struggled with finding the silver lining in the diagnosis. The fear and anxiety waiting on test results to find out if the cancer had spread were crippling and I was haunted by dark thoughts of death.
The bone scans, bloods, MRI, X-rays and other various tests were rushed through and I was given the imaging DVDs to take to my surgeon with no reports. I sat one night with a medical student friend and a bottle of wine and opened the scans one by one. “Oh my God, what is that?” I would ask my friend and she would reply “That is your heart. Normal to have a heart, sweet. Did you study biology ever?”. Part of me was sure I was going to die, and soon.
Top Comments
Beautifully written. I can particularly relate to point about letting go after loss. My life is much slower and far more enjoyable. That's an achievement in itself.
Hi Samantha, thank you for your article and sharing your pain and optimism. There are not many times when letting go of those tears, that sit well below the surface, feels right but I cried lots reading your article. Getting through the last eighteen months has been life changing and those 5 silver linings are very relevant. I am so glad you spoke about income protection and hope you encourage more conversation on this topic. If you can't live on $250 a day then you need income protection but the most important message is that the costs can now come out of SG payments made by your employer and not many people realise this and are more concerned about costly out of pocket policies. Australian Super have been so good to me. They ring me regularly and have never delayed a payment even if the doctors (often the case) are late with their forms. We need to do some work in the area of terminal cancer patients accessing Total Permanent Disablement. There needs to be education between the doctors and insurance companies. If there is even a remote possibility a terminal cancer patient could die within a year then the doctors should sign so the patient can access this money.
My breast cancer was missed by a mammogram and an ultrasound. I didn't know you could have breast cancer without a lump so my cancer was spreading to my lymph nodes while the GP was ignoring swelling pinkness on my breast because the ultrasound said it was just a pocket of fluid. The absence of any lump convinced me I didn't need a biopsy. The GP should have known better and after two mammograms and an ultrasound I ended up with stage 3-4 cancer. I am not sure of the staging but it had spread into the lymph nodes 8/18. Sooo all the questions you worry about are the same ones I do. The oncologist focusing in the spread doesn't help my optimism but he said there is still chance of cure somI will run with that. Practicle things get me down a little but not for long, such as do I keep searching for a partner online, am I being selfish... What if I die.... What if I live into my seventies. Its so hard meeting new people anyway but judging when to have THE conversation is so hard. Sometimes I feel like a fraud when someone wants to know what I do and while I am legally still employed in my job, that isn't what I have been doing for the past eighteen months. One guy who wanted to meet me for coffee, didn't reply and closed his profile when I told him I had breast cancer. I guy I met on the weekend couldn't stop looking at my chest as I explained I had one breast reconstructed but needed the left proferlactic side redone due to infection. All too much information but how do you summarise it all. Sometimes when it takes my breath away and the anxiety starts to build thinking of the reality of the situation...... I suddenly remember I have FAITH and believe it will all be OK. I very often remember that boy in The Most Exotic Marygold Hotel saying Inman Indian accent " it will be all right in the end, if its not alright, it's not the end". Some days I really feel that my cancer is gone forever but there are others when I can't get out of bed, my kids are independent and I got rid of the narcissistic partner that more than likely contributed to the cancer in 2010. It's a lonely road. It is only my gratitude that relieves the despair that only comes along from time to time. I had a great day last Friday, my daughter has a new job, my son picked up his new car and my oldest son is doing well with work. They are all in good careers, have sound relationships and are good people. I also put in 1 million dollars in life insurance when I took out income protection. Still I have list of un fulfilled dreams I am not ready to let go of and grandchildren I want to meet so I will continue to pray for good health. Tracy
Dear Tracy-lea - you made me cry too! It is a lonely road made lonelier by not having a partner to support you. I don't live with my boyfriend and have my children 12/14 nights but he took me to appointments and treatment and was a wonderful support, despite having his own health issues. I do not think it is selfish that you look for someone to spend time with, especially if they are aware of your circumstances. You may well live to 80! Such a difficult conversation to have with someone on a first date though, "By the way, did I mention that I have breast cancer?". It will scare some men off, but I am sure there are men out there who will be able to deal with it because of the amazing person you are. Sounds like you have done a brilliant job as a mother too. I love your quote - the version I have goes "It will be OK in the end. If it is not OK, it is not the end". You will be in my thoughts. Best of luck with treatment and thank you for sharing such a brave story xx