How to become a crazy stage mum and win a baby beauty competition.

How young can you enter you kid in a beauty competition? In-utero, too soon?

Baby beauty competitions are a hotly-contested forum for starry-eyed mums and dads to foist their children into the spotlight for public scrutiny.

Like never before, social media has given parents an easily-accessible platform to fight amongst themselves for the esteemed title of who has reproduced the best genetic material.

You know that Little Braxtyn is the best. Here is your chance to prove it, with these five simple strategies:

1. Give Your Child a “Uneek” Name

It’s quite simple. Your child will never become a star if you bequeath them with a boring, correctly-spelled name like Bradley. Or Angelina.

Deliberately mis-spelling your child’s name makes them more special.

Throwing a random, unpronounceable assortment of letters and phonetic combinations together makes your child more exotic. And memorable.

You can read more about baby names here: Good news! You can now buy a ‘globally unique’ baby name.

It bestows Little Harmyni and Little Leevye with an instantaneous star quality that Little Melissa could never hope to achieve with her mediocre, phonetically-congruous name.

Your child is unique. They deserve a unique name like the precious, enigmatic snowflake they are.

2. Procure a Massive Headband

One of the fundamental principles of baby beauty competitions is this: the bigger the headband, the better the ranking. The best headbands easily outsize your baby’s infant skull by a ratio of at least 2:1; the more lurid and less organic-looking the better.

Massive headbands are the best-kept secret to Little Kyllisha’s success in baby competitions. No one wants to see your baby’s bald, mis-shapen skull. No one wants to see those sunken fontanelles, those icky little spider-veins under translucent skin. You can forget about winning if your baby’s temples are even partially visible. That’s a fact.

3. Hire a Professional Photographer

Lighting. Props. Photoshop. If you want your kid not to look ugly you’ll need these.

Forget about snapping Little Blayde in the bath with an iPhone and an Instagram filter. That’s what amateurs do. That’s what hacks do. To really stand out you need to painstakingly storyboard your own bespoke photoshoot.

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A good professional will have the best wine buckets, the biggest headbands and a heavy hand in the photo-editing toolbox. Your kid needs to look like they’ve had their skin bleached, with hair so shiny and eyes so luminous you suspect they might up and mutilate you with a scythe at a moment’s notice. They need to shine, like the stars they are.

4. Harass Your Social Network to Vote for Your Child

Harness the power of your social networks. Your primary strategy for success is to alienate every single friend, colleague and family member you possess by beseeching them on a daily basis to vote for your baby. Let’s be honest: it’s a popularity contest. Even the ugliest babies can win with the weight of Mum and Dad’s social media hordes amassed faithfully behind them.

If these people – who profess to care for you – can’t even take five seconds out of their day to vote for Little Sherkaya 87 times a week then they don’t truly love you and to be honest, you need those toxic assholes out of your life.

Guilt trips, manipulation, perky solicitations, passive-aggressive moaning, petulance, harrassment: these are your best emotional tools. Use them.

5. Enter Your Child in Competition as Early as Possible

We live in a culture so obsessed with appearance and fame that it is now normal – nay, advisable – to enter your unborn foetus in a nationwide baby beauty contest. Don’t just take my word for it, see the image below, which I swear to you is 100% genuine.

This go-getting, stage-mum has already decided that Little Scarlett-Rose is going to be a star before she has even emerged from the vagina. This is what you have to do to succeed in the high-pressure world of baby beauty competitions. Forget about your newborn. It’s too late for her. You need to start working on them in-utero, before the dimples have formed.

And just think, if we are already voting on who has the cutest embryo it’s totally forseeable that people will start submitting their sperm samples for contention. Who has the cutest little swimmers? Better start slipping some powdered Menevit into his scrambled eggs.

Rate my Jizz Jar! Like my Ovum! Vote for my Zygote!

It’s all about being the best.