The 5 types of mum you'll meet at Mothers' Group.

We are all trying our best…but sometimes, us mums do funny, funny things.

New mothers. They are a fascinating species.

Collectively paranoid about their new roles and equally lost and confused (although some hide it better than others).

Together, let’s take a look at the different sub-species that you may come across in one of their meetings. In fact, let’s face it, you probably are one of these women.

Here are 5 kinds of mums you’ll see at Mothers’ Groups.

1. The over-sharer.

You’ve only known her five minutes, but already it feels like you were actually present at the birth of her child. That’s because she feels it is important to recount the step-by-step details of her induced labour, failed epidurals and eventual c-section.

You’ve heard details about this woman’s genitals that you wouldn’t even know about your best friends’, thanks to the fact that she constantly refers to her hoo-haa as the “exit to the birth canal” and continually refers back to “feeling like she needed to do a big poo, but it was really just the baby trying to get out of my small hips”.

It’s likely that, because she was holed up in the hospital for so long, she may have forgotten that the general public have no desire to hear how many  staff members at the hospital have had the pleasure of losing their wrist watch up her fairy.

Just be nice and try and smile at the appropriate times when she tells you her birth story for the 79th time.

2. The worrier.

“Do you think it’s too sunny? Should I have purchased a specific baby suncream for him to wear from the walk from the car to the community centre? Should I have decaf in case it keeps him up? Soy milk? He has been a little gassy lately.”

This new mother is exhausted, and not just because she hasn't slept in 4 weeks. It probably also has something to do with the fact that she has a mental fisty cuff with herself every time she needs to make a decision.

I get it, babies are stressful and we all want to do the right thing, but just breathe. I don't think little Ruddiger is ever going to bring up the time you put sterilised water on his first Farex because you didn't know you should have expressed boob milk onto it, right there in the kitchen.

3. The Earth Mother.

Organic veggie deliveries every Tuesday, DIY washing powder for those Modern Cloth Nappies (MCN's thanks very much), Wooden toys only (preferably painted with natural colours like beetroot) and constant baby-wearing cause 9 months frankly, wasn't enough.

The aim of the earth mother is not to make you feel constantly inferior with your non-organic cotton wraps, but simply that she wants to provide the best to her offspring. She goes to so much effort to research where to buy "Bath Milk" (wink wink) and when she does "go crazy" and purchase meat, everyone in the household can look forward to organ meats brewed in bone broth. Yum.

If you're really lucky, she might share one of her home made bliss balls with you. Agave syrup is just as good as sugar I promise.

The funny thing about the earth mother though, is that often, this particular sub-species forgets that Facebook photos are forever, and if we all cast our eyes back over your pictures gallery, we can all remember a time when you were chewing down disco bikkies like tic tacs and devouring dirty street pies like no one's business.

4. The 'take it as it comes' mum.

This mum is cool as a cucumber, not fazed in the slightest that she is strutting around with baby spew in her hair. Seriously, nothing phases this woman.

She lets her baby play happily on the floor, and doesn't worry if another 4-week-old biffs her kid with a Sophie Giraffe. In fact, if that very Sophie did fall out of the pram while out and about, she'd just hand it right back.  Probably wouldn't even dust it off. Germs are good.

The "Take it as it comes mum" usually has everything she needs in her nappy bag, but if she doesn't, pfft no worries. Shops are there, the kid's boob-fed and whatever else happens she can deal with.

Usually, this mother is a second time-arounder, a seasoned professional. She will try and calm your fears about  dummies/early teething/getting babies to take to the bottle but really, she knows it's all just a phase and rides it out accordingly.

5. The deer in the headlights.

She probably won't speak to you for the first 5 weeks of Mothers' Group. Not because she is being rude, but likely she is still so freaked out by what motherhood actually means that she can't comprehend forming a sentence just yet. Basically she feels the exact same way everyone else does with first time motherhood, but she just isn't very good at hiding it.

The deer in the headlights mum is operating at high anxiety (similar to our worrier) and she has every early childhood centre, lactation consultant and family member on speed dial. She is really regretting not reading the stack of baby books she has purchased 9 months ago, but just like all the others, she will be just fine once the dust settles.

Have we missed any? Let us know in the comments below.  

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